Oh Colorado. We always have a few good spring snowstorms, that's expected. But this one came with over two feet of snow that knocked our power out for days. Leaving us without heat, running water, or any way to cook food (our home is 100% electric). We couldn't go anywhere because we were completely snowed in.
Talk about a test to see how well we would do in a survival situation or if the grid goes out.
I think we did pretty okay. Well, my husband really did all of the ‘survival’ things. If it had been up to me to chop down trees, start a fire and cook food over it, or spend 8 hours straight digging us out of the snow, it would have probably gone down differently. . . but I bring different strengths to the team I'd like to think.
I thought I threw our food out in the snow in time to preserve it. Until a few days later I ate it and got horrific food poisoning. I'm talking I threw up every 45 minutes for 13 hours straight. It took me out for days.
Of course that rattled my pregnant mind with worry about the baby (and brought flashbacks from the terror that was my first trimester, remember that?)
I had not had my anatomy scan or any testing done so I didn't know the health of the baby. All I knew was how sick I had been for months, and then this happened. Not very reassuring.
So what do I do in those situations? When I don't know what the outcome will be, I don't know if baby is okay, I don't know how things will turn out, when the 'what ifs' are coming in loud.
I could get caught up in the 'what ifs', but after losing my daughter, I've trained my mind to think to 'EVEN IF'
EVEN IF
I wrote the following words as I was sitting at Whole Foods, drowning in the aftermath of all the tragedies of losing my dad and daughter.
How could this be? I never imagined this would ever happen, these feelings are too much and anything good I feel like I can’t see.
What happens when you feel like you are doing everything right and it seems like it doesn’t even matter? Like life is too hard and your heart is shattered.
Why does someone else get something you so desperately desire when you are left with emptiness and constant fires.
What’s your stance then? What do you do?
When life isn’t fair even after everything you have gone through?
Some things your limited human mind can’t understand, so when things get deadly, you have a choice on where you land.
Can you stay faithful in the midst of pain, keeping your body, soul, and spirit pure even when it looks like nothing is gained?
That’s when it matters.
The fruit of what you chose sometimes won’t be seen until your next life, but once you see the rewards, you will realize it was beyond worth all of the all strife.
When everything has not fallen into place yet, if you live an EVEN IF life,your heart will be protected with what you get.
Your part is to speak, think, and do things that bring life.
Your job is love, gratitude, and expectancy, not control or certainty.
Jesus, when I don’t understand and don’t know what to do, I get on my face and offer my life as a sacrifice to you
I’m yours, use me however you desire, I’ll learn through pain and get better through the fire
No matter what happens, I’ll do my part, I’ll keep my eyes on you and trust you with my life and my heart.
Knowing one day it will all be perfect and everything I went through will be more than worth it.
So that’s where I’m at. And that’s how I’m going to go out of this life.
Even if the worst case happens, I know I'll be okay because I've been through the worst case before and I know what to do to walk through it.
Even if my worst fear came true, I believe I would use it as a catalyst to get to places I would never have been able to get to without it and use it to deepen my relationship with God, others, and what I was put on this earth to do - because that's exactly what has happened with all the terrible 'what ifs' that have come true in my life thus far.
Even if I don't understand, I will not turn away from God but run towards Him more. I might not see the fruit of choosing that in this life, but I will in the next.
It's freeing to live like that. Meeting the 'what ifs' with 'even if' and meeting the 'why me' with wait and see'.
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I loved this, Megan. I’m so glad your mom shared your writing with me. I love how God has shown love through all of our even ifs, and I love His promise to continue to do so.
I was very moved by this article! Thank you for sharing! The words came precisely when I needed encouragement to trust God even in the most challenging moments. Love to read your content. ThX