November 26th, 2023: I took a pregnancy test and spent those two minutes staring at it with my heart racing. I can’t think of many other moments in life that are quite like waiting for pregnancy test results. I should know, I’ve probably taken 978 of them. Kidding. Kind of.
The lines began to slowly appear. . .there's one line, okay I was just being crazy. Oh. Wait. . . another line began to ever so faintly make its appearance. My eyes opened as wide as they could go as I slowly turned my head and looked around the room as if I were checking to see if someone was watching me.
Let's just say that how this happened had less than 2% chance of happening because of measures being taken;) It's one of those freak getting pregnant stories, a miracle that only God could have done.
So there I was. In a state of shock and confusion because this wasn't remotely on my radar. I had given away all my baby stuff. We were entering into a new season with older kids. I had been pregnant 5 times before and thought that was a good run.
It's very different finding out you are pregnant when you are trying for it versus when you are not. It's also very different finding out you are pregnant after you have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc. I know many of you get it.
This isn't a downer letter, I promise. I'm excited now and I've learned and experienced so much over the past few months that I'll unpack over the next few weeks.
The Fire
This last December and January were some of the hardest, most excruciating months of my life (and that's saying a lot if you know what I've been through).
For months, I was violently ill in my first trimester. It started as typical first tri nausea, but then I was hit with the most gnarly stomach bug I've ever had in the midst of it. A horrible combination.
I was bedridden, I had to get IVs for hydration, I couldn't stand long enough to take a shower, I couldn't make it three steps without throwing up.
The hardest part was that all of this was happening on top of major work and relational stressors that were also blowing up our lives.
Also all happening in the middle of the 'artic freeze' episode we had in the dead of winter. . . which in general is a downer for me mentally, but just added intensity to already being in pure mental and physical agony.
It was a dark time- but I focused on doing everything below and I am now in a completely different state of mind.
What to do when it’s all too much
When you get hit with stressful circumstances or dark thoughts and emotions, try this out. . . and when I say try, I mean do these practices every day.
Over and over again, it's what helps me get through whatever life throws at me. And it works.
It's what allowed me to process and go from being terrified by a positive pregnancy test in the midst of other brutally difficult life circumstances (that are overwhelming on their own without the added weight of pregnancy) to being truly joyful.
Let’s get into it. . .
Direct your attention in specific ways
Your attention and what you give it to will determine how you get through a rough season.
You will want to turn to distractions more than ever during pain, you’ll want to numb out, but the more you do, the more time you will spend in the already hard time (ask me how I know). Distraction takes away your pain, until it doesn't and you realize you are in a worse place than before.
It won't feel good like numbing distractions temporarily do, but the more you put all your attention on God, real people, silence, processing, and beauty, the faster you will move through. Turn off distractions (whatever that is to you- for me it’s my phone) and spend time in silence, offering your heart to God to do whatever He needs to do. It won’t feel like it’s doing anything, but it is. More than you could possibly know.
That’s why the enemy wants you distracted, because it’s in those times of focusing on what matters that you heal and get what you need, and distraction takes that away.
Set your filter so you can see what’s possible:
Your mind will automatically only see what's bad in hard seasons. Unless you set your filter otherwise, it will only pick up what's hard, even if there is good, solutions, and possibilities around you. (remember this post about how crazy and real this phenomenon is?) That’s how your mind works, it’s only seeing what you have set your mental filter to look for.
This really matters when you are in the midst of a difficult season. Because you could be so focused on what’s wrong, that it will block your ability to see what is possible or right.
Being in stress and pain automatically makes you focus on whatever is hard, blocking your ability to see anything else, even if it is there.
So then, the times that are the hardest are the most important to remember what your focus does. How powerful it is. How to use it to help you instead of harm you.
For me that looks like setting my filter to see wisdom and see new possibilities multiple times throughout the day (this really works). It looks like focusing on God so I can see more of what He is doing. It looks like slowing down and having one-on-one time with my kids, people, and time outside so I can see more of what beauty they hold.
You unlock your mind to see whatever you focus on.
Train yourself to be where you are:
Worrying about what will happen. . . ruminating on what did happen. . . .the mind will do that. The enemy really wants you to do that. He wants you to be in the past, the future or distracted by your phone looking at whatever one else is doing, because that means you are not here. In this moment. Here is where healing happens. Here is where you can be free. Here is where you can hear from your creator. He doesn’t want any of that.
You can’t heal or get through anything if you can’t be where you are. Healing and solutions are not in the past or future, they can only be accessed here, now.
The only thing you need to do is to give your best to the moment you are in now and train your mind to come back when it wanders away. The more you do that, the more beautiful life becomes.
Move emotions through
The hardest part of life is the thoughts and emotions that come with it.
It’s not so much what happens that hurts, it’s the feelings and thoughts we have because of it.
But two people can go through the same thing and have two completely different thoughts and feelings about it. Why is that? Is there something we can do about the thoughts and emotions we have in reaction to life?
Yes.
Emotions are energies in the body. Think of them like a firehose. Once you turn it on, it has to get let out, you can’t stop it once it has started. If you try to stop it, you’ll end up with an explosion (mentally or physically). It’s the same with your emotions, they need to get out. When you put attention on what is coming up, it allows that emotional energy to move through and release.
A daily time to let out what has been turned on, so it doesn’t get backed up and explode.
When you take time to let your emotions move through your body, it’s like pouring out a little water from your cup so you will be able to hold more without spilling over.
You don’t have to carry the pain with you the rest of your days, but there is an order to healing. Before you can see the good, the possibilities, the hope, and light - you have to feel the dark. When you move towards the dark, it won’t stay.
More on how I specifically do this coming soon. . .
Choose what illusion you will see. Interpret what's happening how you choose, not how your default chooses.
I love how illusions show us that two people can be looking at the exact same thing, but see something completely different. Did you see the duck or the rabbit? That’s life. Two people could go through the exact same situation, and one can grow and blossom, and the other will wither and die.
What’s the difference? Playing with perception.
Earlier, I talked about how your focus determines what you see.
This is slightly different because this is not about focus, it’s about perception. Perception is about how you are interpreting what you are seeing or focusing on. It’s the thoughts you are intentionally (or likely, unintentionally) putting together around what is happening.
Interpretation changes everything. The story you are telling about what is happening changes everything.
I am not saying to be more positive or try to find a silver lining about a situation. The big picture here is that illusions show us that what we are seeing one way could actually be something totally different (and better) if we are willing to go off our autopilot thinking and reacting to see something in a new way our brain might not have been open to before.
You could be seeing the duck (aka the way this situation is stressful and hopeless) OR if you look again, all of a sudden you can see the rabbit (aka new possibilities/good that could happen), but the picture did not change at all.
Because the thoughts you have about what is happening can take the situation in many different directions.
Your FOCUS, ATTENTION, PERCEPTION, and MAP (which I’ll share soon) of where you are heading is what matters in times of pain. Focus on those, and you'll make it through.
PS - never in a million years did I imagine I'd be pregnant at the same time as my sister. She didn’t know if she could have kids after multiple failed rounds of IVF, I thought I was done having kids, but here we are. Her 1st, my 4th. Life is wild.
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